Even After a Meltdown, I'll Still Love You

Dear Autistic, ADHD, or any differently wired person,

That was pretty bad wasn’t it? Don’t worry, I know it’s not a tantrum and I don’t think you’re bad.

Some might wonder if they’re worse from the inside or the outside.

From the inside, it’s like a dam gives way. Too many little things and then perhaps one medium or big thing and the bough breaks. The baby falls. Pure reaction.

Grief over so many wrong, confusing, and uncomfortable things comes out in tears and anger. Maybe even rage. There’s no hearing, no noticing, only a scream.

From the outside, one tries to help as an angel they love falls. People watch and judge. It’s impossible to do anything but wait it out and keep the one you love safe, even from themselves.

You catch an elbow. Or a bite. Bear the brunt of a fire that’s not your fault out of devotion keeping your own tears at bay.

Afterward, both are exhausted.

On the inside it varies. For some it’s like waking as if from a distant bad dream. Feeling surprised and worried. What have I done? Oh no. For others, it’s as if nothing happened.

On the outside, one is left feeling bruised and spent. Wounded and unseen. Accidentally victimized, but the day must go on.

Even after a meltdown, love remains. Tested and stretched, but still there. Maybe needing a coffee or tea. A few minutes with music or a quick lie down. A snack or a phone call to someone who gets it.

But the love remains.

To the insiders: After a meltdown, it’s ok to still love yourself. The ones who know you aren’t mad.

To the outsiders: thank you for staying.

Love,

Bunmi